Networking has its place in growing business. It can bring shiny new customers to your door – as long as you get it right. However, there is a problem – the freaks, geeks and gurus that populate the world of networking. It’s a bit like an addiction - take a little sip from the chalice of networking…

Sometimes the chalice is a rather nice shiny gold one which is full of pleasant people that help you. Other times the chalice is poisoned - full of the worst kind of networkers. Full of false promises and over exaggerated claims. Before you know it you are glugging down barrels full of their toxic networking filth. You can’t get enough of it - you start making hilarious claims of million pound turnovers, you randomly launch your elevator pitch on unsuspecting members of the public.

What you need is the 12 step anti networking detox.

1. You are human, right?
Remember you aren’t a robot. Look in the mirror and smile - ahhh facial muscles, character, soul. Yep, you are human. You could be mistaken for thinking there are rather a lot of robots (or possibly vampires, never quite decided which) at networking events. The cold, hard stare. The vacuous look and uninterested pitch. You’d get a lot further if you just tried to talking to people like the human that you are.

2. Stop SELLING to me
Strangely, the whole business world existed before the advent of elevator pitches. Long after elevator pitches are gone, the world will continue to spin. You might want to consider stopping, thinking about your business and what other people might be interested in hearing. This is what I hear when someone pushes the elevator pitch button, “Hi, I’m Jim and I sell blah blah blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, so what do you do?” There is a good chance by this point I’m dribbling down my shirt, desperately looking for a way out of the room, the situation or even my life.

3. Lies will come back and bite you
I hate liars. I’ve never really understood why people have to lie in business. I’m not suggesting you parade around with a profit and loss sheet attached to your briefcase but a bit of honesty wouldn’t go amiss. There are a lot of people out there who have made the mistake of believing their own codswallop. They skim through networking events telling everyone how wonderful they are, how they are likely to win the Nobel Peace Prize any day, how their business is heading for the BEST year ever. Do you know what happens? They hit a rough patch and have no one to lean on for help and then they look like a goon when it all comes crashing down around their ears. The universe is a karmic place - and who wants to mess with Eastern Philosophy, huh?

4. Boots sell toothbrushes
Personal hygiene is quite important in most areas of your life. Imagine irking the prospective mother in law by stinking her home out with your BO. It matters even more when they are 30 odd business ladies and gents jammed into a room talking shop. At least stick on some deodorant and brush your teeth.

5. If we haven’t shared a drinking session then you aren’t my mate
I don’t make ‘mates’ within 5 minutes. I’m not your mate, your friend or new best buddy. My mates listen to me winge on the phone and help me construct flat pack furniture when I can’t understand the instructions. You are someone I know in my business world and I might like to get to know you better. You can’t force it and if you introduce me as your friend, I’m likely to stare blankly at the very person you are attempting to impress with your networking connections.

6. Networking is not the new way to date
If you can’t find a life partner then join a dating club, or go out on the pull like normal people. Stalking is not appropriate behaviour.

7. It’s not an Olympic sport
Next time you go to a networking event check the room for Seb Coe or Kelly Holmes. No sign of them? No one handing out those nice shiny gold medals? Any idea why? I’ll give you a clue - networking isn’t a sport, you don’t get awards, medals or honours for handing out the most business cards, speaking to the most people or boring the most people to death.

8. You ain’t a guru unless you are totally blow-your-pants off good at something
In networking a lot of people call themselves gurus and experts. The first problem is that guru comes from Hinduism and Tibetan Buddhism and I may be wrong but these networking dudes don’t seem to have much to do with the spiritual. To me it also means you have a long track record of being really, really (I can’t state this enough) really good at something - I’m not talking average - it’s not good enough to have done something for 2 years and spoken about it 3 times. I think people don’t get to use the expert or guru tag unless the entire world agrees it to be so (ok, maybe 3 continents can agree).

9. Try breathing - it’s what keeps you alive
You hear lots of networking types talking about the power of listening. I like to think it’s more about the power of breathing. It’s not natural to talk solidly for 5 minutes without taking a breath - you could literally die. If you listen to people a bit more you get a chance to breathe and keep on living - great plan.

10. People are a lot more interesting than business
One of the great things about networking is that you meet some really interesting people. I’m about a million more times likely to remember someone if they have a sparkly personality or have something interesting to say. It’s not that I’m not interested in their business, it’s just people have more dimensions.

11. Try giving
One thing you have to understand about networking is that it’s a bit like a hippy commune or old boys’ network, depending on your political leanings. You’ll get a lot more out of it if you are actually prepared to do something for someone else. Give them a name, a number, some useful information or keep the promise you made them. If you go to a couple of meetings and wonder why you haven’t got anything out of them, then networking probably isn’t for you. Bet you never shared your toys with the other kids in the playground, did you?

12. Shock horror. You don’t have to network if you don’t like it
Some people are scared of networking. Guess what? There is no universal law that says you have to do it. If you’d rather shove a red hot poker in your eye than stand in a room full of strangers then don’t do it. You come across as nervous and unsure, so find another way to market your business. There are no networking police and you won’t be arrested.

Follow the 12 step programme and chances are you’ll make the best of what networking has to offer.